Wednesday, 08 July 2009

• Felt Up

  Today, I was felt up for my own good. The only problem? I kept being interrupted. Yes, friends, it is a humorous look into what I was worried about yesterday and what I had to laugh about today.

  Monday, I gave myself a breast exam. (Yes, for the male who likes to think himself "The Todd" that means I was touching my boobies.) While giving myself this exam I felt a bb sized hard spot on one of my breasts. In response to this unsettling spot, I called the doctor. They worked me in first thing this morning. As I was waiting on the nurse to call me back, I distracted myself with some C.S. Lewis. Suddenly, I heard it. I heard the song that was stuck in my head all morning long and the song which was the theme to my last few days: "Into the Ocean." It took me a moment to realize that it wasn't just in my head this time. It was my phone.

  More specifically, it was my mother-in-law. I love my mother-in-law. There are many times that I enjoy speaking with her. Waiting for my OB-GYN to call me back so he can take a peek at my lady parts and feel me up is not one of those times. I hit the "reject" button.

  Soon enough, the nurse called me back. We endured the ol' routine:

  "You've put on a bit of weight. Can you pee in the cup? How's the baby?"

  I tell her I will work out more; I can indeed pee in the cup; the baby is great. Then, we begin to discuss the bb.

  She, of course, encourages me by telling me about how early detection is key and how I am probably right about believing it's nothing, but we should definitely check to be certain.

  She then discourages me by telling me that a doctor in the practice who is only a year my senior (and neither of us is 30 yet) was recently diagnosed with breast cancer. I am fairly positive she related that back to early detection and the benefits of it, but I checked out by then.

  And then...

  the strip down.

  Nothing makes a girl feel more comfortable than sitting in a front opening gown on an examination table at the doctor's office...waiting.

  Sure enough, as soon as the doctor comes in to take his peek and feel around, I hear the song again.

  Once again, it takes me a moment to realize that it is the phone.

  How does the doctor respond?

  "You can answer that if you want to."

  I looked down.

  Mother-In-Law.

  It had only been ten minutes since she left me a voicemail the first time. I answered it thinking something might be wrong.

  Nothing was.

  Well, except this: there I stood naked with naught but that thin front open gown on with a phone in hand having to tell my mother-in-law that I would have to call her back.

  Some women have intrusive mothers-in-law who tell them what to all the time. Some women have mothers-in-law who hate them. Some women have mothers-in-law whom they hate themselves. Not me. I have a great mother-in-law.

  She just has lousy timing.

  For the record: all is well. The doctor thinks I am right about it being nothing. As a matter of fact, he didn't feel it at all. I am, however, welcome to come back for a sonogram should I get the least bit nervous or feel it again.

  And why did I chronicle this? Some moments are too funny not to be remembered...and shared.

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